This is a long post, mostly rambling my thoughts out in no real order and I don’t know why I can’t get the line spacing to change on the last half!
Something I don’t talk about much is my head trip issues. I’m one of the millions who deal with depression, lack of confidence, etc. Most of the time I deal with it ok and some days I feel like I’m running in quicksand against a gale force wind. While I know my life is soooooo much better than a lot of others I seem to dwell on the ones whose life mine doesn’t appear as good as. The old cliché of count your blessings runs through my mind on the hard days and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. No matter how we try, those of us with head trip issues have no control over what will trip our emotions that day.
So…recently I decided to really work on remembering that cliché and try to focus on the good and not dwell on the not so good and try to be grateful for what and who I do have in my life. I have a few really really good friends who will be on my side no matter what stupid thing I do or say (and I’ve had some doozies). I have a husband who tolerates my mood swings, emotional freak outs and odd inappropriate humor with nothing but love and attempt at understanding. I have family who loves me and thinks I’m awesome most of the time. I have my animals I love so dearly and I have opportunities to ride my horses, travel some (taking my dogs and horses with me a lot of the time). I have other good things but these are the biggest to me.
Also recently I decided to buy a new colt. Do I need a new colt? No. Can I afford one? Not really. I saw him in an ad. I wasn’t even looking for a horse, I have plenty. I was struck by him and kept thinking of him. I don’t even usually like colts or geldings, I’m a die-hard mare person. So, I went about finding ways to justify getting him. There’s a lot of boring back story to chasing my horse dreams that would take another 14 posts to explain so I’m not going to go into that now. I sent the sellers a message asking price of colt. They didn’t respond for a week and I was a little relieved and also a little bummed. They did respond with a price that is a great deal as they are dispersing their herd and want to get the horses sold. I showed my husband and some friends and asked opinions. I went through all the reasons of why not. Then I started looking for signs as to why. I wanted a big glaring flashing neon sign telling me what to do. I’ve never been so stressed out about buying anything, even the house. My husband supported my decision no matter what I decided and he was almost as excited about the colt as I was. So the signs I was looking for were right in front of me and they are:
We called to get our horse trailer winterized, the guy who does that for us is out for another 2 weeks hunting.
Hubby happens to have a week off in November. Just the way his schedule fell and I’m lucky enough to have a job that’s flexible and since the office is closed around Thanksgiving time I’ll only miss a day of work. We also have people who live on our place that take care of the horses while we’re gone so I don’t worry at all about them.
A couple of weeks ago after having my nails done ( I work shifts a little local market so I can have my nails done). I went to this little jewelry store for watch batteries and to see if they wanted to buy a necklace a friend has. There’s a gal in there who’s my age or probably older. She had on the best of her rattiest clothes and was close to breaking down. She was asking the store owner if they were interested in her grandma’s silverware set as she needed money. The silverware was wrapped in cloth inside plastic bread bags. She was also asking about if any of us knew places hiring as she needed a job badly. She had been taking care of her ailing mom the last 3 years in a tiny rural town and now she was back home (in not a much bigger town). She was sincere and was trying, not looking for a handout. So the jewelry store owner said she can give her $135 for the silverware but she would give her 60 days to come back and pay it as she didn’t want her to lose her grandma’s silverware. The lady started to cry which made me almost cry, I had to turn around and look at the store displays. So I’m thinking to myself that here am I with my fresh nail job, designer hand bag that was a Christmas present, bringing watches that aren’t cheap (more gifts I’ve received over the years) and an expensive necklace. I’m wearing nice clothes and am not worried about a place to live or if I can eat that night. At this point I feel about an inch tall. I wanted so badly to take her to the thrift stores and buy her better clothes for looking for a job but as I stood there with all my luxuries, I had $7 in my wallet. The lady was very grateful for my ideas of places to go apply and was barely holding herself together. After she left I wanted to pay the $135 to the store owner and tell her to give her silverware back when she came in for it. That whole scene really affected me. I thought about it and am still thinking about it and I decided that screw it, I’m getting that colt. While I’m not financially stable, I am able to do it and for that I’m super grateful and I’m going for it just because I can. I’m not in a position like that poor lady and I’m able to enjoy my life, ride my horses, etc. Hubby is in support of it. If things go south and I have to sell him or another horse then I’ll do that but I’m going to try to enjoy life to the fullest because I’m lucky enough to be able to even if it is on a tight budget. I’m lucky in that I even get to have a horse, a lot of people wish they could. I’m not going to let seeing what other people have bother me anymore. I see some the hubby’s ultra rich clients and I’d feel like a failure. I know we’re not supposed to let that stuff bother us but it does and I’m going to work really hard at appreciating how good my life really is and not what it isn’t. I’m picking up extra shifts to help out. And, the seller threw in another small incentive (justification maybe).
I can’t pinpoint what exactly switched in my brain after that but something did and since then I’m looking at life differently and keeping my stupid thoughts at bay. Smiling at the little moments that won’t happen again, not stressing out so much about the vacuuming and laundry that needs done. There are tons of details and thoughts in my brain (racing around at 1000 miles an hour) but the gist of it is: Life is what you make it, enjoy the ride, and my favorite quote “Life is not meant to be a journey to the grave in a pretty and well-preserved body but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up,totally worn out and loudly proclaiming Wow! What a ride”.
This morning was fairly stressful but I got through it without my usual “why does my life do stupid shit like this” thoughts. So, late next week we’ll take off with 3 of our 4 dogs on a 6 or 7 day road trip to Canada in November to buy a new colt. If you’ve read my post about the road trip from hell then you’ll know I’ll appreciate any good vibes and thoughts you can send our way while travelling. Please welcome this new little addition to our critter clan.
2 thoughts on “Headtrips, Random Thoughts and looking for signs”
How beautiful the colt is. I think your thoughts come with age. When you get older you realize that stressing out over certain things especially if they’re small just isn’t worth it. I came to tea this when our lives took a dump back in 2009 and had to move into a rental house out in the country. I went into this house sight unseen (Steve had gone to looke at it). I walked into one of the bedrooms that was painted blood red and had a multitude of Japanese beetles covering the window and walls, it was like a scene in the move Amity Horror. I stooped there and bawled wondering “what the hell” then o just sai out loud to myself “Lori pull your big girl pants up, grow up and make the best of it”. Then when Steve was diagnosed with cancer in 2011 and he beat it that is when I realized just how luck a person I was. We now live in a little 2 bedroom shack of a house that we only paid $10k for and needs LOTS of work but I thank God for it every day because some people don’t have homes to keep them warm and have no food to eat.
I love reading your blog and am so glad we’re friends. Love you girl!
Horseshoes and Hormones 
How beautiful the colt is. I think your thoughts come with age. When you get older you realize that stressing out over certain things especially if they’re small just isn’t worth it. I came to tea this when our lives took a dump back in 2009 and had to move into a rental house out in the country. I went into this house sight unseen (Steve had gone to looke at it). I walked into one of the bedrooms that was painted blood red and had a multitude of Japanese beetles covering the window and walls, it was like a scene in the move Amity Horror. I stooped there and bawled wondering “what the hell” then o just sai out loud to myself “Lori pull your big girl pants up, grow up and make the best of it”. Then when Steve was diagnosed with cancer in 2011 and he beat it that is when I realized just how luck a person I was. We now live in a little 2 bedroom shack of a house that we only paid $10k for and needs LOTS of work but I thank God for it every day because some people don’t have homes to keep them warm and have no food to eat.
I love reading your blog and am so glad we’re friends. Love you girl!
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Thank you friend! Love you back
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